On Awakening
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| Evenwood Park, NC |
When I was in elementary school, back in the mid-70's, our life as a family was very routine. I could count on homework time, supper time, and bed time being at the same time every day. We spent our week nights at home, and left errands and outings for the weekend. I even played with the kids IN the neighborhood--asking my parents to drive me to a friend's house? Unheard of.
Today when I look at my life (an adult student, full-time employee, wife, mother of grown children, and a ministry leader--that doesn't include friend, cooker, cleaner, walker, reader, etc...), I am always doing, going, acting or planning. When a day off finally comes, and I have "nothing" planned (because we always find something we can do), I feel weird. Is it really OK to doing nothing today? (Well, I'm gonna try it!)
One way I find more peace in all my busy-ness is to posture myself in a position of open-mindedness (as I'm getting into my second cup of coffee). Living my life with an obsessive mind for 30-ish years which lead to alcoholism, and then coming to the end of that though a series of events (internal and external), I was directed to a different path. I had to learn new ways of doing things. One of the very first things I learned that actually worked, was that I needed a new attitude about how I thought my day was supposed to go. Before I begin the day outside in the world, I start with a routine I learned in AA (see the book Alcoholics Anonymous pages 86-88).
1) I consider my plans for the day. What am I doing today? Where am I going? What's important to accomplish on my "perpetual list?" (Like how about paying the car insurance you forgot to pay last week? Oh yeah, right!)
2) I ask God to direct my thinking. Ask GOD to direct my thinking-- consciously setting aside the brilliant thinking of Meg. (It's a good time to invite God into your thoughts since it's early, you're awake with a 2nd cup of coffee in you, and you probably haven't screwed up too much...yet. Unless you have teenagers at home who won't get out of bed, and then you've probably already screamed once or twice...?!)
3) I then ask God to remove self-pity (why me?), dishonesty (certainly it's not me!), and any motives that are self-seeking (me, me, me!!!).
4) I ask God to be with me all throughout the day, giving me the intuition to take next right steps and handle problems His way (that means pausing when agitated or doubtful. It means for me, keeping my mouth shut--not being a reactionary, but actionary AFTER I've had ample TIME to evaluate a situation.)
5) I ask God for freedom from self-will. I pray for others and how I can be of service to those around me. "Thy will be done" goes a long way. (Memorize that one because it won't fail!!!)
One thing I know about myself, after many years of recovery and introspection, is that I am prone to fear, which I have learned is a root of all the problems and conflict I perceive within the world around me. Root fear drives self-centeredness, lies (mostly the ones that I tell myself), and the need to wear facades in order to "protect" myself (from vulnerability which strangely is the very trait that breaks down barriers and walls between me and my fellows and leads to richer and deeper relationships).
I've been studying the first chapter of the Gospel of Luke this week. Mary, the mother of Jesus, is really a beautiful and brave character. She's young, engaged to be married, and the angel Gabriel appears to her and tells her she's going to become pregnant (pretty strange and a bit unnerving if we're going to be honest here). Mary is "greatly troubled" (v. 1:29) by this news, and she's no dummy. She flat out asks Gabriel how she can get pregnant because she's still a virgin. After an explanation about how the Holy Spirit will "overshadow" her (OK, what exactly does that look like?), and information about the person hood of the baby she will bear (Jesus, the Son of God), she declares, "I am the Lord's servant... May it be to me as you have said." (v. 1:38) (Wow Mary, I am impressed!)
I love to think about the stories outside the written story in the Bible. With my 21st Century mind, I try to connect with the characters of the Bible stories and ask myself what they thought and felt... and what about their fears?! The text never says that Mary got over being "greatly troubled." We aren't told she overcame her fears and viewed the role that God had assigned her with great joy and complete surrender. I imagine she spent many days uncertain, questioning, why-me-ing? (self pity?), and maybe even terrified. And, I imagine that as she watched Jesus grow and his ministry took shape, she spent many sleepless nights in fear and uncertainty.
But what Mary does do so bravely and openly, is she postures herself in a way where God is the Director of her life (he's already got her life going on a path that she can't control! There's a baby on the way!). Even before Joseph, Jesus and the manager, Mary is faithful. Did Mary wake each day asking God to direct her thinking? Asking God to remove her fears? Inquiring what she could do that day for the Lord and others? Or did the circumstances following her visit with Gabriel, "force" upon her the necessary routine of doing so? Either way, I can look at Mary's fearlessness and learn from her attitude.
I'm sure the day Gabriel came calling, Mary had plans for the day, but life isn't about our plans (MY plans)--it's about His plans. And we know God's plans for our lives can be at times strange, unnerving and terrifying.
When you awoke this morning, where were your thoughts?
Who is the director of your life today?
Who's will be done today?
And tonight, when you fall into bed after all your busy-ness... how did the day go based on who's will was in charge?!
I try to say "Thy will be done," but often catch myself substituting "My..."
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