Is my future coming into view...???

The Maze @ the Governor's Mansion, Williamsburg, VA 3/19/2015 "Retreat"

     I recently finished a Spiritual Formation (SF) class and a Congregational Ministries (CM) class and am more convinced that none of the classes I take are ill-timed or merely for the purpose of academic credits. In SP we used a book by William Clemmons called Discovering the Depths: Guidance in spiritual growth. I highly recommend anyone getting a copy of this book (it is out of print but many used copies available on web).
Working with this book was revelationary!

     I started SF class about 6 weeks after my husband had a "nervous breakdown" (for lack of better term). He was so paralyzed by anxiety that he left his job and stayed home for 3 months struggling to get back to a functional state. SF class was about going within to the deep quiet places where we meet and learn to listen to God. This class could not have been better timed. I was freaking out inside. I don't understand mental illness so I will readily admit that I like it even less--it scares me. But here it was front and center and I just wanted it to go away--far away! The class literally forced me to sit in mediation right in the middle of my life. I couldn't run or hide, but just BE.

     Almost four months later I still don't like mental illness and it still scares me, but I am learning to accept it, explore it, and be open to living with it. It has been my own journey of healing just as much as my husband's. My healing started (and continues) in the pages of my journal (daily journaling was a mandatory assignment for SF class). Using the prompt of the Clemmon's material I asked, looked, confessed, and discovered much about my own wounding and my relationship with God. It is a journey that I know will never end (and I wouldn't want it to).

     My CM class was taught by a former hospital chaplain and as she began to share her stories with us, she lead us through some CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) exercises (Verbatium writing specifically). I have been exposed to many ministry options while in school but with this... my ministry passion fired up! What is CPE ? How do I get to do that for the rest of my life? I was fascinated and it is so cool!

     While taking CM class I discovered an error was made in my grad plan and I will be graduating one semester early--December 2015! YES! So I got to thinking (really more like feeling) that I want to try CPE training. I've begun looking at options for where to study. Could I possibly have a real focus and destination?

     These past few months I have really sunk down into my gifts and passions. My vision of myself has become more clear.

What I LOVE to do:
Teach, learn, lead, inspire, write, counsel, be vulnerable to show others it's OK, seek Truth, speak out, right injustice, 12-step work...

What I have personal experience with:
Terminal illness of a spouse, recovery from addiction, childhood abuse, rejection of God, early abandonment, an eating disorder, deep shame, always feeling "different," searching for validation in all the wrong ways...

The gift in it all:
The rediscovery and deep appreciation of a God I rejected for many years. The knowing that even when I turned away, I was pursued in love and utter dedication. The "call" to serve this God who WILL reclaim what is His = me. A heart which can only respond with a resounding, "yes Lord!"

     One thing I shared with my fellow students, and something they also admitted to, is that the journey of ministry is in a constant state of change and surprise. Just when you think you know... you don't know. It is a nerve-wracking, heart melting adventure. I wouldn't want it anything other way. One thing is for sure--it is a moving train powered by the Spirit and there's no getting off!!! I'm here for the ride!