Doughnuts = Choice

When I was three years old, I went to nursery school. I did not like some parts of nursery school -- especially when they made us lay down on mats and take naps. I thought I was too old for naps… besides, I wasn’t tired! I remember when my Nana picked me up from nursery school that I would cry. When we got home, she’d set me at the round table in the “rec room” and turn on Sesame Street (my favorite show). She would serve me Entenmann’s pound cake with cold milk and maybe some strawberries and a little home-made whipped cream. I would watch TV and eat with tears streaming down my cheeks.

For me, food became a way for me to fill an emptiness in myself. Over the course of my life, I would continue to eat to soothe my feelings. In junior high school, an entire bag of Doritos would suffice to calm my nerves after a stressful day of school where I didn’t feel like I fit in because I was chunky. As a young mother, a ½ gallon of ice cream was my “treat” after a long day of taking care of the kids. Later, my food of choice was a few beers in the evening because “I deserved it,” (which lead to a 5 years alcoholic binge that landed me in recovery for alcoholism).

I stopped drinking 15 years ago but food has continued to be “drug of choice” for me. At times, my eating has been good and “successful,” and other times, my eating has been out of control. Throughout my life, I’ve gained and lost countless pounds over and over again. In 2008, when I hit 205 pounds (I thought 205 was just unacceptable), I adopted an eating plan of no sugar, wheat or flour and maintained a 60 pound weight loss for almost two years. After I moved to the south in 2011, I gained that 60 pounds back plus another 20 pounds. If I were in a different place today, I’d still blame it on the fact that I married a chef who loves to bake fresh bread that I cannot say “no” to lest it hurt his feelings. But today I know that is not the real truth of why I eat and stay focused on my weight… more has recently been revealed.

In August of 2016, my mother unexpectedly died after living with cancer for 10 years. For me, this triggered a new journey and deeper level in my recovery.  My mother had also been heavy for as long as I could remember. In the 80’s, her and I “Sweated to the Oldies” and cursed Jane Fonda. We “dealed our meals” and looked to RIchard Simmons for encouragement. We were always plotting and planning our next diet and what we would do when we were finally thin. Our quest for the ideal weight kept us focused on outside solutions to what was really an inside issue.. When my mom died she was 145 pounds --she had finally reached  an “ideal” weight, but at a great, great cost. In the months following her death… I started thinking about my own mortality and my lifelong struggles with food. God began to reveal to me a new journey into the depths of myself... I was ready to go deeper..

In the past few months, I have learned that my issues around food are really about control. This has been incredibly surprising and enlightening. It has been revealed to me that I have lived my entire life searching for ways to regain control (with strict diets) while at the same time, trying to find ways to fill an inner emptiness (uncontrollable food binges). I have eaten when I felt invaded by strict rules, principles, societal norms, religious expectations, and because of other people’s ideas about I should I behave. I have eaten to regain a sense of integrity when I felt affected by other people’s behaviors, problems and illnesses (addiction, physical health problems, mental health issues). I have eaten to blot out deep feelings of guilt and shame for having failed myself and others. I have felt responsible for other people’s choices and as a task-oriented “stoic” personality, I have worked hard to maintain the status quo to keep things moving by “towing the line.” This spring, I hit a wall… I was so angry and felt like I was literally going crazy and the scale topped out at 225 pounds. I needed help!

When I confessed how I was feeling and got honest with some trusted advisors and friends, I had the chance to get off the “stoic track” of constant achievement and forward motion and stop long enough to explore the real issue. I began to sit with true emptiness. For the first time, I asked humbly and authentically, “Who am I? What am I doing?” This question was vastly deeper than merely asking, “What is my next diet plan?” or “How am I going to lose 20 pounds by the fall?” It was time to dig down to the root issues and start mining the deep caverns of myself.

God responded in simple ways and I got a clear message that I was to “grow through rest.” I called the university and put the brakes on a fast and furious Master’s degree program. I contacted an old friend and asked her to begin counseling me again. I told my husband my truth and shared with him I was struggling. I started to not set an alarm and sleep until I felt it was time to wake. I started riding the stationary bike. I started meditating again on my cushion and writing in my journal everyday. I started praying again formerly in the morning, instead of just saying short and sporadic shout-outs to God during the day. I returned to my beloved 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and found comfort in going “back to basics.” In all these helps, I began exploring my boundaries and my choices.

With help, I am learning to separate eating from emotions. I am learning to recognize the emotion of empty is not hungry. I am learning to eat to fuel my body, to appreciate taste and make my own choices about what I eat (not giving power away to an outside diet plan to decide when, what and how much I’ll eat). I am becoming aware of how foods affect my body and how food choices affect my health. I am learning to chew more slowly, put down the fork between bites and sit at the table (without a book or TV!). I am beginning to explore my early emotional connections to food (pound cake, Sesame Street and tears). I am starting to take off labels that I’ve assigned to food and myself -- like when I eat carrots I am “good,” but when I eat chocolate I am “bad” (very bad!). I am creating a new language for myself. I am sharing my journey with others.

The other night I took a bike ride with a friend and on our route we stopped at the world famous Britt’s Doughnut shop on Carolina Beach. I ordered two of the most wonderful confections on earth. As we sat getting ready to eat our doughnuts I said, “this is my cheat…” Pause… “No, I said, this is my choice.” Together we savored every last bite while being in each other’s company on a warm summer night with the rush of blood pumping thru our veins after peddling down bustling streets active with beach life. When we finished our doughnuts, we hopped back on our bikes and for a moment, I almost allowed guilt and shame to climb on my handlebars and invade my mind… then I made the choice to leave guilt and shame standing on the boardwalk, and as I rode away with my friend... moving onward with my life, tasting sweet sugar and salty air on my lips, hearing my friends laughter singing in my ears, she said “Let’s go see the ocean!” Let’s indeed.